EPS 6: Men’s Sexual Concerns, Porn Talk, and Rejection Sensitivity with Dr. Hernando Chavez

EPS 6: Men’s Sexual Concerns, Porn Talk, and Rejection Sensitivity with Dr. Hernando Chavez

 

Hey lovers and warriors!

Welcome to Episode 6!

Do you ever find yourself walking on eggshells in the dating and world because of sensitivity to rejection? You may be hurting your chances for finding your match and causing your own ‘cock-blocks’ in sex.

Dr. Hernando Chaves, sex therapist, gives us the dirty details on men’s sexual concerns, how they may be contributing to their own dating and sex woes, and how this is impacting relationships. We get real about the topic of porn, what research says about it, and how you can incorporate it in your life and relationships with LESS SHAME.

In this episode you’ll discover:

  • Mindfulness for Dickfullness. What are causing men’s sexual concerns and how do we get it back…up? (both sexes need to get this)
  • Why it’s important and how to become the real YOU.
  • Dating woes and rejection sensitivity. How you are preventing yourself from finding your match.
  • Learn how to start the conversation about sex with your partner, so you learn how to be a good lover and get exactly what you need without the guess-work.

This one’s not just for the guys…it’s GREAT for the ladies too, and any gender neutral relationship, really. Women, we need to understand how men think if we want them to think more about us.  Especially, because as usual…we start the show with Diane’s crazy dating life, and her question to Dr Chaves is likely one you’ve been asking yourself for years.  So, hey…you now have the chance to ‘ask a sex therapist’ as if it’s your own session.

This episode is guaranteed to blow the minds and hopefully SOON the lids and the panties off of all of our listeners.
Because there’s so much love, truth and REAL advise in this one that it will fill you up between the eyes, and between the sheets.

“The best things and best people rise out of their separateness; I’m against a homogenized society because I want the cream to rise.” – Robert Frost

 

Be sure to check back every Wednesday (#humpday – how appropriate) for a new episode, and head over to iTunes to subscribe!

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THE SKINNY ON OUR SEXY EXPERT

Dr. Hernando Chaves is a licensed marriage and family therapist, professor of psychology and human sexuality, and sex educator. Dr. Chaves’ sex therapy practice specializes in erotic minorities. He has written and consulted for 14 instructional sex education media projects, was cohost for Penthouse magazine’s “Sex Academy” instructional series with Dr. Ava Cadell, and script writer/consultant for BaDoinkVR virtual reality sex therapy instructional video. Dr. Chaves is a sex columnist for Sexpert.com, AskMen.com and a contributing author to the International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality.

Dr. Hernando Chaves holds a bachelor of arts degree in psychology from University of California Santa Barbara, a master of arts degree in marital and family therapy from University of San Diego, and a doctorate in human sexuality degree from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, professor of psychology and human sexuality, and sex educator. Dr. Chaves’ sex therapy practice specializes in erotic minorities (LGBTQQI, BDSM, fetishism, nomonogamy, unique sexual lifestyles and expression), couples sexual/relational difficulties, and sexual concerns/dysfunctions. He teaches human sexuality 1, human sexuality 2, intro to psychology, personality psychology, and abnormal psychology courses at Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa, CA. Dr. Chaves has presented at various conferences and institutions, including Alliant, AASECT, Cal Lutheran, Catalystcon, CSULB, NYU, SHE, SSSS, USC, and USD. He has written and consulted for 14 instructional sex education media projects, was cohost for Penthouse magazine’s “Sex Academy” instructional series with Dr. Ava Cadell, and script writer/consultant for BaDoinkVR virtual reality sex therapy instructional video. Dr. Chaves is a sex columnist for Sexpert.com, AskMen.com and a contributing author to the International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality. He was a past president of the Western Region for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS) as well 2- time conference chairperson and 3-year board of directors member.

WHY YOU’LL LOVE THE SHOW

Real life stories and expert interviews to help you improve your sex life, by addressing mental blocks, nourishing your body, and balancing your hormones. This podcast will feel like you’re sitting down for coffee with your two best girlfriends to chat about the most erotic and embarrassing things you’re dying to share and get advice about. The best part? They’re the experts. Sex expert, Dr. Cat Meyer with hormone and detox expert, nutritionist Diane Kazer reveal to you what works (and what doesn’t) in the most entertaining way, encompassing all things sex and sex hormones such as self-love, sex toys, bedroom play, body shame, libido, frisky food, PMS, hormone balance and anything else sex-blocking you from the sex, life and body you deserve and desire. Each episode will give you simple steps and sexy strategies you can implement NOW to leave you feeling empowered, courageous, playful and motivated. Eat Play Sex is YOUR guide to all things sexy, healthy, and fun to rock the body of your dreams and help you get back in the playground with those you love. Because…#sexmatters

GOOD SEX, ROCKIN SEX HORMONES AND OXYTOCIN STARTS WITH THIS…

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ABOUT US & HOW WE CAN HELP

Diane Kazer Cat Meyer

LEARN MORE ABOUT DR CAT 

LEARN MORE ABOUT DI

Intro:This is episode #6 of Eat. Play. Sex. Here’s a hot highlight for what’s to come.

Dr. Hernando Chavez:If that’s who you are, don’t you want to attract partners who are going to embrace that and maybe even mimic or model some similarities to that?

Diane Kazer:Yes!

Dr. Hernando:I find that if we have these conversations early on, the first two or there dates, we get to find out if people are uncomfortable with who we are or they match up and they have a lot of comfort.

And sometimes, I find too that there are conversations we wish we could be having about sex or pleasure or intimacy. And yet, we’re afraid to bring that up. And so when a partner brings them up or a date brings them up, oftentimes, I find that opens the door for us to have some conversations that are much more intimate and maybe sexually focused.

And if that’s important to you, I’d say go for it!

Intro:Eat. Play. Sex. with your queens of climax, Dr. Cat and Di, the place to get play, sex and nutrition talk straight to your ears.

This podcast is for mature audiences, 18 and over, and for entertainment purposes only. Please contact your healthcare provider before pursuing any hard topics discussed.

Diane Kazer:Hey, what’s up, girl friend? How was your weekend?

Dr. Cat Meyer:Oh, you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you. It was incredibly magical.

Diane:Like unicorn magical? Did you see a unicorn?

Dr. Cat:I am a unicorn. I don’t even need to…

Diane:Just look in the mirror and you’re like, “Oh, I saw a unicorn this weekend!”

Dr. Cat:I love it!

So, I am Dr. Cat. I’m here with Diane Kazer. And you’re here with Eat. Play. Sex. I’m really, really stoked about this show today, guys. The guest that we have on today, Dr. Hernando Chavez, is a dear friend of mine. And the work that he does is just so needed! Men and women everywhere need to hear about this.

Diane:Yeah. I especially because I mean, selfishly, we always think about in terms of “What’s in it for me? What can I take out of this?” And sometimes, we think that we’re selfish for thinking that. But really, our whole life, we’re here to learn stuff. We’re here on our own journey.

And so, yeah, we have kids, we have significant others, and yeah, we’re here to please other people. But ultimately, we’re here to learn for ourselves.

And so, when I was reading about Dr. Hernando, and when we were talking about what we were going to talk about today, it brought me back to the insecurity I had over the weekend, and I thought, “What perfect timing!”

Dr. Cat:Ooh… sneak peek into Diane’s dating life.

Diane:Oh, yeah! Here we go again.

Dr. Cat:Yehey!

Diane:It was Saturday. And you know, the world of online dating, it can be so weird because people are behind curtains and you never know who they really are.

So, I just had these really great conversations with this one guy. We talked for hours on end. And it was like a week-long. I’m thinking, “What am I doing, talking to this guy for like hours? I haven’t even met him. I should not be doing this.”

And I even expressed that to him, like, “I should be giving you this much time when I haven’t seen your face yet or even your penis,” right?

Dr. Cat:Whoa! Laying it down.

Diane:“I haven’t seen your dick. I haven’t seen your face. I haven’t seen your eyes.”

Dr. Cat:Wait, wait, wait! Pause. Did he fix that? Did he send you a dick pic?

Diane:No, I don’t want those. He barely even sent me a selfie, and I was like, “Uh, are you hiding behind something?”

Anyway, my intuition bells were going off. We had this date planned for Saturday night. And then, he just full on, just flat out just flaked on me.

Dr. Cat:What?!

Diane:Yeah!

Dr. Cat:How? How did he do it?

Diane:Yeah, there are all these build-up because there was this massive hurricane in Orange County, which is crazy. Abnormal weather for us.

Dr. Cat:It’s nuts. It’s been raining.

Diane:Yeah, raining, trees falling in my neighborhood, trees falling on cars, we can’t live the house. It was like Armageddon. I said to him, I’m like, “Are we even going to get to meet? This is crazy.” And he goes, “Would it make you feel any better that I would do anything to make it up there to meet you?”

Dr. Cat:Oh, no! No, no, no. People need to be careful with their words. Don’t promise me something if you can’t keep it up.

Diane:Yeah! And then, get it up. You can’t get it up if you haven’t even shown up.

So, he didn’t even show up. It comes time. It comes time. I’m working out, and I’m getting all cute. I’m thinking, “I’m going to sweat sail like real cute for him.”

Dr. Cat:Oh, my God!

Diane:And I planned my day out. I’ve got this outfit picked out.

Dr. Cat:Get my hair done.

Diane:Got my hair did. Guys, you got to understand, we plan this shit for like weeks sometimes before. And then, I was thinking, “Okay, this is what I’m going to do.” I would’ve planned it for the day (I didn’t plan it for weeks).

But I was really excited! I was working out. I was juggling my soccer ball. And he calls.

Dr. Cat:Hang on! Pause.

Diane:I was juggling balls. And then, he wanted me to juggle his balls because… yeah… or not.

So, he calls me and he’s like, “Hey, ummm… can we do tomorrow morning instead?” I’m like, “Tomorrow morning? You’re driving from San Diego. What do you mean? What, do you want to take me out for doughnuts?”

I’m like, “Why would you need to reschedule this whole thing. You said you would do anything to make it here on Saturday night. What happened to that guy?”

And he’s like, “Well, I’ve got this thing.”

“You’re just sounding ambiguous.”

Bells and whistles are going off. I’m just thinking, “No, this is like the world of online dating. I don’t know.” So, I just went, “No, this does not make any sense.”

And then, I went home, and I started the pity party. And I went, “What’s wrong with me? Why?”  And then, I went, “Okay, hold on! That’s my reflex, but it’s not my reality.”

Dr. Cat:Oh, boom!

Diane:And then, I went, “This is not me. This is not me.” But I still thought to myself, “Did I intimidate this guy?

Dr. Cat:Intimidation?

Diane:“Was I too much for this guy?”

Dr. Cat:Wait, wait, wait. Where did that come from?

Diane:Because I have heard many times from many men that I intimidate them, that my power and my confidence and my success makes them feel like, “Why would she even need me?”

Dr. Cat:I think that that exact statement is what we’re hearing a lot of lately.

Diane:Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Cat:“You intimidate me” on both sides, men and women. It’s this idea of intimidation. Well, what are we attracting in these individuals? What is it that we’re putting out there that these individuals are the ones that we’re pulling into our field?

Diane:That’s where I went, Cat. Instead of going, “What’s wrong with me?” I went, “What am I calling into my life?”

Dr. Cat:Yeah!

Diane:What am I attracting? What wounds from my past or issues that I’m having with myself have I not gotten to the bottom of, have I not nurtured, so that I’m very clear with the people that I want to attract, the men I want to attract, the things I want to attract?

And so, that’s why when you said that Dr. Hernando was going to be on today, I thought this is perfect. We’re going to get deep. It’s not just about relational issues and online dating. We’re actually going to talk about porn. We’re going to talk about getting it up and keeping it up, both the bedroom, physically, keeping up your marriage, keeping up your intimacy, everything. This is perfect!

So, Dr. Hernando, welcome to the show!

Dr. Cat:Yehey!

Dr. Hernando:How are you doing today?

Dr. Cat:Amazing! Can you tell?

Diane:Yeah! Yeah.

Dr. Hernando:Having a good conversation. It sounds like there are some dating woes that are happening here?

Diane:You know, it’s become a pattern for me to be quite honest, Dr. Hernando. And I actually hear this as not just a pattern for me, it’s a very common pattern in a lot of women, and it’s an insecurity in men too, that there’s this woman empowerment era where we can do the things that men once did for us. But then, the men in the bedroom are thinking, “What can I do for them if they’re already able to take care of some of the other things in their life?”

So, I think this is a show that’s going to be great for men and women. So I want to turn the floor over to you guys.

Dr. Hernando:Great!

Dr. Cat:Yeah! So, we’ve got Dr. Hernandez. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, my friend, Professor of Psychology and Human Sexuality and a sex educator. He specializes in erotic minorities, LGBTQI, BDSM, the kink communities. And he has written and consulted for 14 instructional sex education media projects.

Wow! That’s so many.

Dr. Hernando:A lot of scripts.

Dr. Cat:Yeah, a lot of scripts.

He’s also the sex columnist for Sexpert.com and AskMen.com.

And you are also a contributing author to the International Encyclopedia of Human Sexology.

Diane:That’s so sexy. Your bio is hot!

Dr. Hernando:Thank you […]

Diane:And it makes you wonder, with that many talents, what kind of talents would you have in the bedroom too? So, let’s ask…

Dr. Cat:Lots of talents.

Diane:Let’s ask the question—well, you get to answer one of two. We’re going to allow you to answer whichever one you want.

Dr. Cat:Either… tah-da-dah…

Number one, what is your most embarrassing sex moment?

And number two, what was one crazy diet or nutrition thing that you tried for the sake of sex health and body?

Dr. Hernando:Okay! Let’s go with that first question.

Diane:Yes!

Dr. Hernando:You know what’s happened a couple of times? As I’ve been aging, the combination of working out or my body sort of getting a bit older and needing a little bit more on the hinges…

Diane:Wait! How old are you?

Dr. Hernando:I’m only 38.

Diane:Oh, that’s not bad.

Dr. Hernando:But I’ve got a history of being an athlete and working out. And so my body is kind of breaking down.

And so, I’ve had a couple of back spasms during sex. Certain positions like with your knee when you get swelling or your tendonitis is acting up, you can’t do and you’ve got to like—yeah, the back spasms are the worse. You’re in the middle of a moment, you just like freeze and roll off, and you’re just like, “Ahhh… I need to stretch.”

Dr. Cat:And she’s like did she break you? That’s the initial thought that would go through my mind.

Dr. Hernando:Right, right. Like what did I do? What did I do? I’m like, “Nothing, just my body.”

Dr. Cat:You know what could cure that?

Dr. Hernando:What’s that?

Dr. Cat:Yoga.

Diane:I knew you were going to say that.

Dr. Cat:Yoga!

Diane:Let’s do some yoga in the bedroom. You’re like, “This is actually my back orgasming right now. It’s a back-gasm. I need to do some yoga to call myself.”

Dr. Hernando:It’s very true though. I mean, I don’t always do the post-exercise stretching, so I think that has something to do with it. And then, when you’re a little bit sore, you’ve got to take care of yourself before even being intimate with somebody.

Dr. Cat:Whoa! I can totally see us making a movement of post-sex yoga.

Diane:What about pre-sex yoga?

Dr. Hernando:Right! Foreplay, foreplay yoga. And

Diane:Yeah!

Dr. Cat:Pre-sex yoga and post-sex yoga… and during sex yoga.

Diane:Oh, my God! I can’t even tell you how many guys have said to me, “I would love it if you did the splits on me while we’re having sex” and I’m like, “Hmmm… maybe if you’re lucky.”

Dr. Cat:“Do you want to break my legs?”

Dr. Hernando:Right, right! And that’s probably really comfortable and pleasurable for you too as well to combine like the splits and some penetration.

Dr. Cat:It actually is really fun!

Diane:Prove it!

Dr. Cat:Just saying…

So, that actually brings me—I’m thinking more on what Diane was saying about the social political, everything that’s going on right now. Socially and politically, the scene right now, especially in regards to women empowerment and the rights, I’m seeing men and women wondering how they are supposed to interact with one another that’s, in a way, out of love and respect without offending or harming the other.

I’m seeing men not really know how to interact with women in a way that is not perceived as a creep or unsafe, just respecting the woman and their sexuality and their empowerment and their… roar!

But then I see them walking around on egg shells. And I think it’s inhibiting their ability to really be happy and healthy in the relationships with one another.

So, really, I’m excited to bring you in. I’m a woman. What are you seeing going on, Dr. Hernandez?

Dr. Hernando:Well, something that I see a lot of going on—and I’ll speak first from, let’s say, the male perspective is an ambivalence that’s happening with dating, relationships and being your true selves.

I think that there’s an anxiety that’s been built up as we have shattered the binary models of gender roles and gender stereotypes. And I think there’s a lot of questions people have about what kind of partner are they seeking, are they the empowered type or the assertive type, the alpha type, or maybe the beta type, are they submissive or passive.

And I think with that question within us, I think that creates this idea of anxiety or walking on egg shells.

I’ve always encouraged people, be authentic, be yourself, expess who you are, what’s natural for you, and then you’ll find partners that will fit into that dynamic of creating kind of a yin and yang.

But if you’re being someone you’re not or if you’re walking on eggshells or trepidations about who you are authentically, you’re going to find that you’re going to be playing roles or you’re going to be going in areas of discomfort.

For example, I find that a lot of men actually do have a sensitive side to them or a romantic side to them. But they may feel that doesn’t appear to be masculine, and so they’ll suppress that and try to be something that they’re not.

Vice versa, there are some men who might feel more alpha or more assertive in that sense, and they may feel like that might be intimidating or that my infringe on people’s spaces, especially female partners, so they might pull back on that because they don’t think that’s what the current state of dating or relationships would be most beneficial.

And so I find that we’re sort of trying to navigate I think a newfound sense of empowerment.

And I try to challenge men to say—empowerment is not like a pie. It’s not like if they have a piece of the pie, you lose a piece of the pie. Everybody could share that. It’s not this 100% where if you have 50%, I only have 50%. I just think that we can share in that empowerment.

And a lot of men do get a little uncomfortable with what it’s like to be with a strong woman because they might not have experienced or they have a certain sort of anxiety that that’s going to take away some of their masculinity or empowerment.

Diane:Yeah. Wow! What you were just saying just struck a chord in me. Using the visual of egg shells, we step on egg shells, we walk on egg shells. And sometimes, those egg shells will cut us and penetrate us so deeply that they become us.

And then, we carry those egg shells with us from the last relationship. And all of

all of a sudden, before you know it, we’ve got like dozens and batches of egg shells just in our feet. And we’re afraid to walk again because the last person that we tried tat with, “Oh, she didn’t like that,” so we become paralyzed because we feel like, “Well, we don’t even know what people want anymore.”

So, I think going back to that “Who am I?” is really important. But you know, it’s so trippy because I feel like this movement, it’s the question like: “Who am I?” But I know it sounds super esoteric. How would you suggest people discover who they are, so we can, of course, ultimately connect with ourselves and each other in the bedroom?

Dr. Hernando:Well, I think it’s important for us to do a lot of our own self-work. And that can include introspective self-help books and also therapy.

I think it’s a great way for us to get inside of who we really are and try not to be someone that we’re not because, eventually, it’s going to come out, our true selves. And all of a sudden, our partners are going to feel ditched. “I thought you were this person. But now, you’re this person.”

How are we going to be creating a good foundation of honesty and transparency in our relationships if we start off with playing the part or acting a way that seems contrary to who we are?

I think that we need to seek out what is our strengths, and then go with that down that path. And that creates more confidence because that just feels natural and normative and comfortable for us.

For example, I find that a lot of men really struggle with this idea of embracing feminism. Feminism, for some men, can be a dirty word or can be something that shouldn’t be embraced.

If you think about it, feminism is really about equality. And so many men would thrive in joy and love having more of an equalitative, egalitarian relationship.

For example, the idea that men initiates sex, that’s kind of an old gender stereotype. Imagine if you can talk to your partner about it, empowering them to say, “I would love for you to initiate sex whenever you’re feeling more horny or your libido is sort of rising. You would be the one that initiates the sexy text.”

That way, we can remove some of the pressure, some of the responsibilities and share that with our partners.

In addition too, asking partners about sexual pleasure. Sometimes, people will make this assumption like: “We must know everything about sex” or “everything about women. I just must walk into a bedroom, and I can make any woman orgasm.”

And in fact, one of my greatest strengths as a lover and a partner is communication, asking them what they like, what they want, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good. And then, I learn.

I always encourage men to have a mental rolodex or a mental CPU where whatever you ask, you’ve got to remember and you’ve got to apply that and continue to do that. And you’ll find that we become great lovers in each of our relationships.

We often don’t walk into a relationship already a great lover. It’s sort of a dynamic process where communication is one of the foremost tools that we use to create that.

Dr. Cat:Yes, and I think a huge thing that lends to that is curiosity. I think maintaining a curious mindset allows for that space for us to give permission to explore and figure that out for ourselves.

And then, at the same time, you’re talking about authenticity and figuring out who you are. A big part of that is being mindful—mindful of your own self, of your body reactions, of how you are in these situations, showing up with people and…

Diane:I just thought of something when you guys were talking.

Dr. Cat:What?

Diane:I can’t remember exactly how you said it, but you said—and I wrote down this note—“The greatest sexual position or the greatest foreplay is communication.”

And then, I broke down the word “communication” and “come” is the first part of communication.

Isn’t that ironic? You can’t come unless you communicate? Truly, really, the best come is when we come together to come-municate.

Dr. Cat:[singing] Come together right now over me…

Diane:I just came.

Dr. Hernando:Yeah! Yeah.

Another thing I see with me is an increase—and this, I think, goes along with the sexual anxiety and also that walking on egg shells when we’re not confident or empowered within our self-identity, which is this idea of rejection sensitivity.

If we can be able to tolerate not knowing everything or being able to ask a question and finding out the answer, and that might be different from what maybe we have perceived, to not beat ourselves up over it or to not lose that sense of confidence or self-worth especially our sexual self-worth in the moment—

You know, everybody is going to have a different body. Everybody is going to have a different relational style—different likes, different strengths. And so we need to be more, in my opinion, inquisitive (like you said, Cat, curious), but not get butt hurt over learning information that might be contrary to what we initially believed or things we initially tried.

For example, going down a partner. The more I go down on my partner, the more I realize everybody is different. If you try something and they’re not into it, that’s okay! It’s just to explore and experience, it’s trial-and-error, but it can still be fun and pleasurable. And you’re still gaining knowledge, so that you can get closer and closer to that connection and intimacy and that great, loving kind of experience.

Dr. Cat:Yeah, it unravels that engtanglement that we create with each other. We take it personally if they don’t like something, “Oh, I’m a bad lover. I’m bad. I’m not woman enough. I’m not man enough.”

Diane:“He didn’t come visit me from San Diego. It must be me.” No. No!

Dr. Hernando:Right, a personalization piece.

So, what you’re bringing up with that San Diego example is that ambivalence that a lot of people experience which I see in a lot of dating. Because there are so many opportunities for us to date new people, whether it’s the apps or online or what-not, I believe we have to go back to an older sort of mentality, which is if you need somebody, give him a chance, commit to getting to know them, and don’t spread yourself so thin with six, seven or eight dates per month, and you’re going to be all over the place. and

I think people want a) to feel desired and b) they want to feel like people are putting an effort. And if you’re not able to do that, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Am I really giving dating my all, my 100%?”

Dr. Cat:Yes! Boom! Everyone, listen to that.

Diane:Yeah, repeat.

Dr. Cat:Are you giving them a chance, like a full, committed chance?

Diane:Are you giving dating, are you giving love a chance? We’re going to be interviewing Renee Piane soon. And she’s amazing! She said something to me that just shook me up a year ago; and that was, “Diane, you’re investing so much time in your business. You’re investing so much time in your health and your fitness. But how much time are you investing in love?”

I went, “Whoa!” because I’m just thinking, “Oh, it’ll just show up. It’ll be cosmic. I’ll just manifest it.” And it’s like, no, you’ve got to leave that space and you actually have to dedicate energy into it.

And then, I hear people say, “Oh, well, that’s like a desperate thing. If I’m investing time in love, then that just means I’m desperate for love.” No! With everything, if you want anything, then you’ve got to set forward some goals and make some space for them to show up.

Dr. Cat:Cock blocks!

Diane:Yeah! Like I sleep on one side of my bed because, one day, I want someone to sleep on the other side. I don’t want to sleep in the middle.

Dr. Cat:So, speaking of sleeping, I’m curious with all of these that’s happening, what are some of the most common sexual issues that you see occurring with the male population?

Dr. Hernando:Well, it depends if you go internal (inside of a man’s mind and experience) or if you go external.

So, if we went internally, I find that sexual anxiety or sometimes known as “performance anxiety” or “body issues” or “lack of confidence” is a huge component to a lot of male sexual psyche and male relational dating psyche.

And if that is either fragile or shattered or have some compromises involved, you’re going to find that that’s going to become an issue with your approach to partners, to your confidence within, let’s say, a dating experience.

Even if you’re in a relationship, that’s going to oftentimes become an obstacle to getting close to creating intimacy.

So, I feel like the internal anxieties that we experience really do set ourselves up for self-sabotaging.

I also find, externally, a lot of these, that internal anxiety can fuel or behaviorally expressed with erection difficulties with early or delayed ejaculation difficulties. A disconnect with intimacy, I see a lot of. They might not know how to get close to a partner. They want to get close, but not really knowing if it’s okay or if the way that they’re doing it is being received in a way that’s excited and wanted.

There’s a lot of men who want more touch and want to connect, but just don’t know how to do it. They don’t know how to take those first few steps. And there’s a lot of fear that there’s going to be a rejection piece or a lack of reciprocation.

Diane:So, what would be a few ideas for you for men that they can take to make those first initiations?

Dr. Hernando:I do go back to communication a lot because that’s how I think we start to address some of our anxieties, some of our fears and worries. And then, we also get the information that can help us better understand what it is our partner wants and how we can work together to create that. Asking our partners what they desire in the pleasure, asking our partners what they desire in a relationship, asking our partners if there are things that we do that they really love or really don’t love (that can be both experiential, that can be behavioral, that can be relational).

We don’t get a lot of information. If you think about how little we really communicate about our wants and needs desires, it can be non-sexual or sexual, but I don’t think we put forth that effort.

If you look at traditional relationships here in Western cultures and especially in America, we’re putting in 40, 50 or 60 hours a week with our jobs and work. And we kind of get the scraps for our relationships.

We’re tired, sleepy. Maybe after work, we work out and we do take a couple of self-care steps. But then we get back and we have just a few minutes or hours with our partner. Sometimes, it’s in front of the TV or, in some way, disconnected.

How often do we take the time to sit with each other and get to know them on a deeper intimate level, a sexual level? And does that help with people feeling more confident with knowing what their partner wants rather than making misconceptions or assumptions of what they want.

Dr. Cat:So, when would you suggest the best times to have these conversations? I can’t imagine when you’re in reverse cowgirl having this conversations about…

Diane:…or the splits.

Dr. Cat:…or on the splits.

Dr. Hernando:Right, right.

Diane:“Tell me how you feel right now?”

Dr. Cat:“Or what do you like?”

Dr. Hernando:Let me ask you this. If you’re out on a date, how often do you start talking about things like “I want children” or “Here’s the religion that I practice. And I want somebody similar to that” or “Here are my political beliefs. I’d love to have somebody who have a similar mindset.” How often do we wait to discuss those things?

Diane:I guess we’re the wrong people to ask because Dr. Cat and I are pretty good at communication, but I think that the average person or the average date is not. They’re pretty shallow with their conversation, wouldn’t you say?

Dr. Hernando:Yeah!

Diane:So, what would be a few first good topics that break the ice that might get them closer to feeling like they have better clues, so that they can make the move without feeling rejection?

Dr. Hernando:An important question for us to ask is: “How often do we talk about sex? How often do we talk about pleasures?”

With all these other examples of what type of religion we want to practice or if we want to have babies or what are our political beliefs, these are examples of things that we talk about in those first two or three dates to find out if a partner is right for us.

But why don’t we talk about sex and pleasure and relational intimacy? Those are things that we sometimes avoid, in my opinion, because we have a great discomfort with sex and intimacy.

I attributed a lot of that to a poor sex education, a lack of comfort with sexuality because we haven’t been exposed to it growing up.

Dr. Cat:Yeah. In fact, that’s one of the top five most difficult conversations to have, research shows.

Diane:Really?

Dr. Cat:Yeah, sex.

Diane:You know, I’m actually pretty open. I’m okay to talk about those things. But I find that, sometimes, I feel a little fear that they’re going to think that I’m just this horny unicorn beast and that’s all I’m out for because it is something that is not very well-received on the other end either. “Oh, if those are the questions she’s going to go after,” then they immediately might think, “Oh, well, I’m just going to label her as ‘just sex’.” And I have a little bit of an insecurity bringing that up because I’m not sure how they’re going to receive it too.

Dr. Cat:Well, try being a sex therapist.

Diane:I know, right?

Dr. Hernando:But what’s wrong with that?

Dr. Cat:Nothing is wrong with it.

Dr. Hernando:If that’s who you are, don’t you want to attract partners who are going to embrace that and maybe even mimic or model some similarities to that?

I find that if we have these conversations early on, the first two or there dates, we get to find out if people are uncomfortable with who we are or they match up and they have a lot of comfort.

And sometimes, I find too that there are conversations we wish we could be having about sex or pleasure or intimacy. And yet, we’re afraid to bring that up. And so when a partner brings them up or a date brings them up, oftentimes, I find that opens the door for us to have some conversations that are much more intimate and maybe sexually focused.

And if that’s important to you, I’d say go for it!

Diane:What kinds of questions do you think would be good to lead into that would be kind of foreplay to open the door up to it?

Dr. Hernando:I find that it’s great to go from general to the specific. And it may not be that I want to tell everybody the first date I’m on with them all the specifics about my sexual interests and fantasies and desires, but I think it might be important for me to say, “You know, I’m a really open-minded person sexually. Down the road, I’d love for us to talk about that more. We can have more and more dialogue about who we are as sexual beings.” And I leave it at that.

They know I’m open-minded. They also know what I do for a living. And so, it sets the stage for us to begin to have conversations down the road.

And they also say something like, “You know, I grew up Catholic, but I’m no longer religious because I find that religion isn’t something that really fits into my world as an adult.”

So, I leave it at that, so they know, “Okay, he’s not really going to go down the path of maybe attending church with me down the road.” And so they’re going to be able to start formulating some other ideas about me based on what I gave in that.

And then, we can, on date two, date three, date four, talk more in detail about that.

I also invite people to dialogue with me. If you have any conversations about relationships or dating or sex, I’m really comfortable and open-minded about it. S if there are things you want to talk about, “I’m open to it,” and allowing that space and that platform for people to express themselves.

I find that people, oftentimes, take that date and take that carrot and sometimes run with it.

Diane:Where would they…?

Dr. Cat:I was going to say… so like date three or date four, I have my rope and my handcuffs in my purse and whipped cream. And then, I say, “Hey, so I’m open-minded” and I’d pull those up, right?

Dr. Hernando:If that’s the way it progresses, if you set the stage in the first couple of dates, why not?

Diane:Okay! So, me and my simple mind—you know, Cat has got much more color with her sex life, but I want to have more color. So, I still want to know what would be some examples of appropriate questions. And this might even be for even couples who’ve been married for decades who’ve never really had this conversation.

Open up the stage by saying, “Hey, I’m open about…” or “I would like to be more open” in a couple setting ,let’s say. So, what would be a couple of good questions that would be safe for anyone that wouldn’t be too, let’s say, aggressive to start with?

Dr. Hernando:Well, if it’s a couple that’s already been married or sexual for the time being, I think you can revert back to the things you’re already doing, and get more input, understanding. Maybe explore a little bit deeper.

So, for example, if you’re already having oral sex or intercourse, why not ask, “We already had oral. What are the things that you like that I do? What are the things that you wish I would be doing?” And something as simple as that can open the door.

Now, if your partner is not willing to have that type of conversation, I think that’s also information for us to know that maybe there’s a need for us to sign someone who might be able to open up that door, a professional like a sex therapist, for example. Sometimes, that third party input can open the door for people to empower themselves to have more communications about their pleasures.

But I don’t see why we can’t take what we’ve already been doing and explore that more in detail. And does that open the door for us to get more comfortable with sexual dialogues, sexual communication? And then, we can transition into newer topics or more challenging topics like express some fantasies or discussing maybe some of our turn-on’s or maybe similar things that we keep secret like the use of porn.

A lot of people in relationships are using porn, but they don’t necessarily talk to their partner about it. Or masturbation, for example, a lot of people are masturbating on their own, but they’re not talking to their partners about doing this.

So, why keep some of these things that can enhance our relationships so secretive?

Dr. Cat:I actually want to stop there because you mentioned two really hot topics—masturbation and porn. I really want to talk about porn because there are so much discussion out there: “Is this good? Is this bad? It’s a sin. Don’t watch it. It ruins marriages. It ruins relationships. It ruins your self-esteem,” blah-blah-blah.

From your perspective, what would you say about porn and its role?

Dr. Hernando:Well, let’s first talk about how often people are watching porn. And when you look at studies all across both America and internationally, you’ll find that the ranges are pretty broad. You’ll find that, for men, it’s about 50% to 99% of men are viewing or consuming porn; and about 30% to 86% of women. And that’s according to a 2014 study by Hyatt.

So, a lot of people are using porn. A lot of people are watching it.

And with those studies, not everybody is reporting what they perceive is porn because erotica or soft core can also be considered, let’s say, erotic and sexual, but not necessarily their version of what they perceive as porn. Some people view porn as being hardcore, but they don’t see their soft porn cinemax or some of their erotic movies as being pornographic.

So, those numbers are going to be kind of low.

Dr. Cat:So, that’s the same with Instagram hotties and YouTube videos or the music videos that are super sexy and dancing. I mean, I don’t know about any of those things at all.

Dr. Hernando:And then, with couples, for example, we know that about—there’s a study in 2011 who found that about 44% of couples, men and women in America, report watching some of that media, some of that sexually explicit materials with their partners.

And what we’re seeing with subsequent research on top of that is that when partners watch porn together, they actually rate their sex lives, their sexual satisfaction as higher, and in turn, there’s a connection and a correlation with the relational satisfaction… which makes sense! When my sex is good, typically, my relationship feels good too. There’s a correlation between the two.

So, we’ve got to ask ourselves. If we’re keeping this stuff secretive, if we brought it into our relationships, could that be a relational enhancer? Could that be something that allows us our interest?

Could that also be something that shares a little bit about what’s going on in our sexual psyche up here (whether it’s fantasies or desires) that our partners may not know?

What I see a lot in my office is that when people are watching porn separately or secretively, what they’re watching doesn’t always match up with what they’re doing.

Is that an issue in our relationships? Are we fantasizing in sort of a dreamy from an arousal perspective about certain experiences, then not living them out? And does that create wedges in our relationship?

I think it does. I think that if we’re fantasizing and desiring other things, but we’re not bringing them into our real world, that can be a potential for a wedge or an obstacle in our relationships.

Dr. Cat:It’s like conditioning or imprinting our sexual arousal one way, and then we’re trying to force an arousal in another way… and it’s not matching. So, of course, we have trouble with getting aroused.

Dr. Hernando:Right, right, yeah.

One area in particular is I find that a lot of men desire trying anal sex or wanting to experience anal sex. And plus, I see a lot of porn that is focused on anal nowadays. It’s a very common kind of sexual behavior in pornography as opposed to thirty years ago, for example.

Yet, they’re not bringing this conversation with their partners, and not necessarily wanting to engage in it with their partners. So you’ll find that there’s a disconnect, what they’re watching and turned on by versus what they’re communicating and doing with their partners. That’s a big piece.

Dr. Cat:Oh… that’s something very specific that we’re finding people do to cock-block themselves.

Dr. Hernando:Right!

Dr. Cat:What else would you say are some specific ways that people are getting in their own way?

Dr. Hernando:For example, the social acceptance of, let’s say, porn if we’re still focusing on pornography. There was a study by—I believe it was Carol and her associates in 2008. And they talked about the acceptability of watching porn and how people felt about it.

Of the study, they found that 67% of the men and 49% of the women felt that it was acceptable to watch porn. So you have a lot of people watching it feeling really bad about it.

So, what are the guilt and shame mechanisms that are created within us when we’re doing something that feels wrong, that feels societally stigmatized? Does that create any types of blocks within ourselves and our sexual psyche about feeling free and authentic and embracing our sexual self and orientation?

Dr. Cat:Yeah. Wow!

Dr. Hernando:So, it’s the cock-block of our mind.

Diane:I’m wondering, I’ve heard—I think it was you saying this earlier—that there would be less shame in watching porn if we feel like we’re almost looking at ourselves having sex in the mirror—so if you’re watching porn, a couple, and it’s someone who looks like your significant other or your partner?

Dr. Hernando:I find that there’s such, oftentimes, a disconnect with what people are watching and what they’re experience with their relationships, I think it’s important to find an interaction, a fusion of the two that can help people feel better about their views. And also, it can bring that open dialogue and open experience with their partners if they’re watching together or at least knowing about it.

One thing I’ve seen is that when I had, let’s say, a disconnected relationship in my office, and they’re watching porn, it’s very distant from their partner, I encourage them to start exploring porn that resembles maybe their partner.

For example, if your partner is brunette and short, and you’re watching tall, blond videos, and if your partner likes certain sexual behaviors, and you’re watching other behaviors, try to integrate those and see if that transitions some of the arousal from your porn use into your relational, real use.

I find that a lot of people actually really gravitate towards that. They find certain videos or performers that resemble their partner that actually can help sexualize and create more arousal towards their partner by creating that transition.

Dr. Cat:So, we’re talking about arousal issues. And I’m wondering, for men with, how all of these affect erections or early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation—essentially, just penile health… penis health?

Diane:Penis health. PH, PH-balanced.

Dr. Hernando:Hmmm…

Diane:Wrapping up the show, we started the show talking about how there’s a lot of insecurity with men, and there’s the intimidation factor. And there’s the rejection piece to all of these.

And so, in order to boost confidence—and this is specific to men right now—so that they feel more connected to themselves, they feel more confident in the bedroom, there are obviously things that women can be doing (or men for men, whomever that relationship is), their partner is doing to make them feel more confident. So there’s that. We each have to own that.

So we, strong women, can also belittle men very easy now because of our strength factor. We have to be mindful of that.

But for the men, there are issues with getting it up, keeping it up and what Dr. Cat was just mentioning. So, what are the things that men can do to improve that piece, so that we can all have better sex together?

Dr. Hernando:Sure! And specifically, you want me to talk maybe about the marital sort of side of it?

Diane:Yeah, please.

Dr. Hernando:Okay. Again, I think there’s an internal and external piece that we have to look at. From an internal, if we look at the minds and the brains of men, we have to I think reduce anxiety. I think that there are so much anxiety that people are experiencing these days that that inhibits our functionality.

For example, I’ve even had clients who come into my office and say, “Look, I was prescribed Viagra. I was prescribed Cialis. It worked in the beginning, but it’s no longer working now.” And this power of the mind over, let’s say, a PDE5 inhibitor like Viagra is becoming more and more prevalent. I see this, that they’re so anxious that it overrides the effects of an erection pill.

That tells me that the anxiety is really strong not only in this particular client, maybe in individuals overall.

So, I think we need to work on reducing anxiety. How do we do that? I think communication is one route, but I think to be also doing work internally with let’s say meditation mindfulness. That’s a huge part of my practice, helping men become more relaxed.

When we’re relaxed in the bedroom, typically, our body seem to respond—whether it’s the circulation, sensation and neural pathways awakening. I find that it’s a wonderful sort of internal mechanism for us to reduce the anxious responses that can inhibit our pleasure. So, I really encourage that.

Externally, I think there are things you can do like behavioral work. For example, men should be doing Kegel exercises. Most men that come into my office have never even heard of them, or they don’t do them. So, that’s an important area.

I want you to change your diet, increase your workouts. I want you to do kegel exercises. And I want you to work on that internal anxiety reduction through meditation exercises, breathing and mindfulness.

Now, typically, with those four, I see a lot of benefits to them be more confident and confident with them engaging in that next step which is “Let me talk to my partner. Let me start challenging some of my fears and being able to bring up the difficult conversations whether it’s about my own insecurities or inferiorities or our relationship or maybe our pleasure.”

Diane:There’s something that you just said too about—I think about oxytocin, and that’s the love hormone, that’s the bonding hormone. And I feel as though we’ve talked about this in a couple of other shows, so I’m going to recommend you guys have a listen to those ones if you haven’t heard them yet. But oxytocin also boosts our desire to even have these close conversations and the confidence.

You just mentioned changing diet which would also, through the gut and the bacteria there, improve oxytocin level, the love hormone, the cuddle hormone, the connection hormones. So, I think that’s one of the bits to this.

But also, with Kegels, where would you recommend that people can find some actual good data and recommendations on how to do those? I know there’s a lot of bad information out there.

Dr. Hernando:So, for Kegel exercises, there are a couple of areas you can look at. If you’re looking for information—here’s a little bit of a self-plug—I wrote an article on Kegel exercises on Sexpert.com. There’s some information there regarding ways to incorporate Kegel exercises to strengthen your pubococcygeal muscles and your pelvic floor muscles for men.

There’s not many, let’s say, novelty items or training regimens for men. But there is one in particular called Private Gym. It does offer a computer generated program, in addition to weights they can place on the penis that can help with resistance training for people to build those PCB muscles (PCB being pubococcygeus).

We do have a relationship and research to suggest that Kegel exercises for men can strengthen those muscles. And that can be positive for circulation, and also, erectile strength and experience for men sexually.

Dr. Cat:Wow! That’s amazing. And I think that’s something that we don’t talk about enough. There are toys, there are tools for men, sexual tools.

Diane:Yeah!

Dr. Hernando:I think male sex toys are really important. And if you can get into them and get past the anxiety of using them, they’re fantastic to enhance relationships.

Dr. Cat:Amazing! So, we’d love to wrap up this show. And I’d love to hear what your three tips…

Diane:Just the tips…

Dr. Cat:Every time, every time… that you would want our listeners to take away.

Dr. Hernando:Okay, three tips. The first one is look inside of yourselves and just find your authentic, sexual selves, whatever that may be in the end. Share that with people, honor that.

Create a transparent and authentic self, and you’ll find that you’re going to find partners that are going to respond to that. And that’s going to be the biggest foundations of a much more of a positive relational experience. So, one is authenticity.

Two, take care of your mind. Men, oftentimes, don’t get into let’s say anxiety reduction, breathing, meditation, relaxation exercises. So, I encourage you. There are a lot of stressors that we experience out there that are inhibiting your relationships and sexual lives. Challenge the anxiety.

And one great suggestion is to download, let’s say, an app like Headspace, which has specific training regiments for breathing that people can do and guided imagery and meditation exercises that can be helpful for you to train that brain, to train that amygdala to be more active regularly.

And three, the external, work on your body—the food that you put in your body, the dietary piece, the exercise piece. Try to work out three to four times per week for more than 30 minutes if possible. Incorporate the muscle building and the cardiovascular work with that because the mind and body work together. There’s a synergy, so we have to look at both of those.

So, from that body perspective, do your Kegels, eat right, exercise regularly. And in addition to those other two, I think you’ll find that your sex life and just your overall well-being will improve.

Dr. Cat:Oh, that’s amazing!

Diane:I just took from that, mindful-dickfull.

Dr. Cat:Hashtag.

Diane:Yeah!

Dr. Hernando:I like that.

Diane:If you’re more mindful, your other mind will be full too. Men have two brains. So, if you’re mindful in one, you’re going to be mindful in the other. And everybody is happy!

Dr. Cat:And we have a happy, healthy, horny sex world.

Diane:Yes!

Dr. Hernando:And the truth is that’s not just for men; I think all people—trans folks, women, anybody can really take those three tips and have some of those as well.

Diane:So awesome! That was like all the colors of the rainbow of life. Everything that you just talked about, what I love about it is it can be applied to anything in life.

Dr. Cat:Yeah, so inclusive.

Diane:They’re amazing!

Well, I guess, we got to wrap up. I’m bummed. I don’t want this conversation to end, but we do have more coming up.

So, thank you so much for being here with us, Dr. Hernando. We really appreciate it. We will be putting all the shownotes below of how people can find you as well as the article. So, thank you again.

Is there any one particular quote you want to leave everybody with?

Dr. Hernando:Oh, just live, love and be healthy. I think that life would be much grander if we can do those three things.

Dr. Cat:Yes! I’m going to make a meme out of that.

Diane:Meme-worthy, meme-worthy.

Dr. Cat:Just for you, just for you.

Alright, until next time, lovers, stay sexy. And remember that…

Dr. Cat & Diane:Sex matters!

Closing:Thanks for tuning in, lovers. Don’t forget to subscribe to our channel. You can find out more about our guests and topics from our show by checking out CatMeyer.com or DianeKazer.com. Until next time, don’t forget to nourish your sex life.

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