24 Oct EPS 12: Flirting Love Loops and Getting Real about our Love Lives with Renee Piane
Hey lovers and warriors!
Welcome to Episode 12!
Do you find yourself repeating the SAME relationship patterns thinking that THIS time will be different only to find it the same? Enter Renee Piane to tell you how to GET REAL about your love life. Renee talks to us about the modern dating world, what’s causing us to to struggle with finding our romantic match, and how to improve our flirting skills.
Here’s what you’ll learn from this episode:
- Signs in your relationships that you are repeating a love loop
- How Grief, Grudges, and Guilt are keeping you from finding your romantic partner
- Specific tips for better flirting in today’s world!
- How you can get real about love and create your environment and self to receive it
Be sure to check back every Wednesday (#humpday – how appropriate) for a new episode, and head over to iTunes to subscribe!
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THE SKINNY ON OUR SEXY EXPERT
Renée Piane is an international relationship reinvention expert and consultant who helps busy, successful people heal their hearts so they can find true love. She has worked internationally helping single men and women discover real-life solutions to find happiness She is known as the “Love Designer” because she assists people with clarifying their vision and developing an action plan to create the lifestyle aligned with their goals. Renée helps people become the person that will attract their ultimate match.
She believes, “the choice a life partner is one of the most important decisions that you’ll ever make”, and advises busy singles to slow down and to avoid rushing into relationships. Her “inside-out” approach entails examining one’s “love lineage” to discover the habits and imprints that people have learned from their families and the unspoken beliefs that may be influencing and holding them back from love. She openly shares her personal journey of how she removed her roadblocks to finding love. With her direct, warm and humorous teaching style, Renée helps people to “Get Real about Love”. The pioneer and president of Rapid Dating & Networking, Renée is widely acclaimed and sought-after inspirational speaker, TV celebrity and author of two books, Love Mechanics and Get Real about Love-The Secrets to Opening Your Heart & Finding True Love. She is a certified Hypnotherapist, NLP and Time Line Therapy practitioner and a healer of the heart.
With 25 years of experience in the love industry, Renée has dedicated her life to helping people to find love, and has successfully matched thousands of people with their life partners. Renée was listed by the Wall Street Journal as one of the eight resources for single men in America, and she has been featured in, and on, major media outlets that include CNN, NBC, ABC, the Today Show, MTV, Lifetime, FX, Discovery, the Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, and many others. Renée was voted iDate’s Top International Dating Coach and
received the Women’s Empowerment Award in 2016.
Renée is also a featured love expert and host on the Motivation Radio Network, SingleAdvice.com and Dating Headshots. In partnership with World Woman Foundation and Loveme.com, is fulfilling her mission is to spread the “Get Real about Love” message internationally. Renee is out “making magic” every day for people who are going through transitions in their love lives by empowering them to get real with their heart! She is happily married to the man of her dreams and is truly an inspirational role model and mentor for people who are looking for love, healing a broken heart or wanting to reignite passion in their existing relationships. They live with their adorable dog Buddy in Marina Del Rey, California.
WHY YOU’LL LOVE THE SHOW
Real life stories and expert interviews to help you improve your sex life, by addressing mental blocks, nourishing your body, and balancing your hormones. This podcast will feel like you’re sitting down for coffee with your two best girlfriends to chat about the most erotic and embarrassing things you’re dying to share and get advice about. The best part? They’re the experts. Sex expert, Dr. Cat Meyer with hormone and detox expert, nutritionist Diane Kazer reveal to you what works (and what doesn’t) in the most entertaining way, encompassing all things sex and sex hormones such as self-love, sex toys, bedroom play, body shame, libido, frisky food, PMS, hormone balance and anything else sex-blocking you from the sex, life and body you deserve and desire. Each episode will give you simple steps and sexy strategies you can implement NOW to leave you feeling empowered, courageous, playful and motivated. Eat Play Sex is YOUR guide to all things sexy, healthy, and fun to rock the body of your dreams and help you get back in the playground with those you love. Because…#sexmatters
ABOUT US & HOW WE CAN HELP
Intro: This is episode 12 of Eat. Play. Sex. Here’s a hot highlight for what’s to come.
Renee Piane: “And she met the most amazing man and got married. I don’t understand. She’s kind of heavy, and she’s not really that beautiful, and she doesn’t dress that well. I said, “She has gained insight. She loves herself. She knows who she is.” And that inner core comes out.
And the man is attracted to that. He’s attracted to the way she makes him feel instead of being that “me, me, me… I need my attention.” And people that are so narcissistic or so full of themselves, I hate to say it, some of them are very shallow when it comes to really going deep, so they have love loops sometimes more often than others.
Intro: This podcast is for mature audiences 18 and over and for entertainment purposes only. Please contact your healthcare provider before pursuing any of our topics discussed.
You’re listening to Eat. Play. Sex. with your Queens of Climax, Dr. Cat and Di, the place to get play, sex and nutrition talks straight to your ears.
Side effects of this podcast may include more lovemaking, hormone harmony, spontaneous sex, exceptional orgasms, less sugar cravings and more sex cravings. In rare cases, listeners experience a strong desire to try new sexual positions and lube with organic edibles.
If you experience moods happier than usual, contact your Facebook friends immediately.
Diane Kazer: So, I just don’t understand what kind of communication or signal I must have gave him for him to think that it’s okay to send a dick pic.
Dr. Cat Meyer: Whoa! Wait! You literally got one.
Diane: Yeah, it seems to be a regular occurrence these days.
Dr. Cat: Guys, this is not an invitation to send Diane any dick pics.
Diane: No! No, but I mean…
Dr. Cat: …unless she asks for them.
Diane: No. Yes! Yes, consent.
Dr. Cat: And she’s not asking for them.
Diane: No, I’m not. I mean, maybe one day, I will… but not with this person. I went on one—I wouldn’t even call it a date. I went dancing with him with his friends one night. We were talking back and forth. He just seemed like a nice guy. I was still “No, I don’t know yet.” And then, just randomly, out of nowhere, after we hung out one night and danced, the next day, he just said, “Thinking of you.”
Dr. Cat: Wait! “Thinking of you” or “Dick pic, thinking of you.”
Diane: I don’t know! Is your dick thinking of me or are you thinking of me?
Dr. Cat: He sent you the picture?
Dr. Cat: Oh… oh, oh, oh… oh…
Oh, okay. In what manual are we learning that, that we send a dick pic that soon in the game?
How are people learning how to flirt? I feel like…
Diane: Is that flirting?
Dr. Cat: I don’t know…
Diane: Or is it squirting? Is it squirting or flirting?
Dr. Cat: I don’t even know! I don’t even know what you would call that.
But you know what I’m seeing more and more? It is so important to learn the art of flirting. We need all of you good flirts out there because you all help us feel good about ourselves? You make us… you know? It’s playful. Flirting is playful.
But what constitutes flirting? And what constitutes…?
Dr. Cat: …or just rude behavior?
Diane: Yes. I mean, the old me would’ve been like “Ewww…” and throwing the phone. But of course now that we have this show and I’m more compassionate about people’s needs, like maybe he needs some attention, maybe that’s what he really, truly believes as flirting, maybe he was trained that way, my compassion hat got on and I said, “You know, I’m not really sure what led you to believe that that was appropriate, but this is not how I flirt.” And I said, “While this is an advancement that you are flirting, then I’m flattered. But this is not the kind of flirting that I participate in.”
Dr. Cat: Wow! That’s really powerful. Normally, I do let them know this is not consensual and this is not how I prefer to engage.
Diane: And you know what? You empowered me. I did say those words. I said, “This is not a consensual conversation.” And at the end, he was like, “Oh, I knew I needed to have you the moment I met you.” I was like, “needed to have me? Now, can you please describe what ‘needing to have me’ means?”
Dr. Cat: So, he continued the conversation.
Diane: Yeah. And then, I just thought I’m just going to let this one go because…
Dr. Cat: I would’ve just ended it.
Diane: I did after that.
Anyway, today’s show is about flirting and doing it the right way.
Dr. Cat: The right way? I don’t know if there’s a right way, but there is a consensual way.
Diane: Yes. Yes, there is.
So, the question really is… what is flirting in 2017?
Dr. Cat: How do we be a good flirt in 2017? I think it’s more about being than doing.
Diane: Yes, because we are human beings, not human doings.
Dr. Cat: Meow!
Diane: So, ask yourself: “Is this squirting or flirting?” the next time you ever feel compelled to send a naked picture of yourself to someone that might not consent.
Okay! So, today, we are actually going to interview one of both of our really amazing friends, Renee Piane…
Dr. Cat: Ah, love her!
Diane: Yeah. Both of us, Dr. Cat and I, have interviewed her for projects that we’ve done. And so, this is the first time we’re co-interviewing her for something, so I’m super stoked!
Dr. Cat: Yes! This is full circle for us. I interviewed her on Playboy Radio. Renee Piane is an international relationship reinvention expert and consult who helps busy, successful people heal their hearts, so they can find true love.
Isn’t that the truth though? How busy we are, and sometimes, too busy for love?
She has worked internationally helping single men and women discover real life solutions to find happiness. And she’s known—get this—as the love designer because she assists people with clarifying their vision and developing an action plan to create a lifestyle online with their goals.
Amazing! She really helps us to get real, to get truthful about what we’re creating in our love lives.
She’s really helped people become the person that will attract their ultimate match.
Diane: I like that a lot. How do we become our true selves, so that we truly attract someone that is our match instead of being someone that we’re not or doing someone that we’re not, just being who we are?
And when you said the word “love designer,” I just think about gutting a house, remodeling it. And Renee is like the interior designer that helps us redesign our entire insides, so that we can truly attract and entertain people from the outside-in.
Dr. Cat: And that term “match,” I recently had somebody bring it up. They said, “The last time I checked, love isn’t about matching somebody.” And I could see where they were coming from, and I don’t know their background in that, but because love, in general, yes, we can love anybody, but for a partnership, to find somebody that we resonate with, to find somebody who has similar values and similar ways of working through, negotiating our differences, some people, we won’t work well with.
Diane: Yeah, people who send you dick pics too early on maybe.
Dr. Cat: If you’re not into that…
Diane: If you’re not into that. But there’s some women who are!
Dr. Cat: And they are his match.
Diane: Yes! And Renee, didn’t you do some things for Match.com?
Renee: I’ve done so many things for so many different companies. Currently, with LoveMe.com, ladies out there, I work with men around the world who are looking for love in foreign countries because they feel there’s not a lot of warmth and snuggliness going on with women in America, that the women brush them off and puts them aside and are very nasty and have super high expectations.
Dr. Cat: Whoa!
Diane: …who don’t allow the door to be opened for them.
Renee: Oh, there’s no door. They get doors slammed in their face now.
It’s really interesting because I also pioneered the first rapid dating company. It was the first non-denominational speed dating company. So, I got to see the actual flirting working in rooms for over 500,000 people over all these years at all these conventions and seeing people match that really weren’t even open energetically. It was really interesting.
And I know you guys are into all that. There’s so much to say about attraction, about finding love because all of us go through—I always call them “situations.” We’re all in different love phases and love situations. And it affects our energy and our openness to flirt.
And flirting and connecting—really, what my version of flirting with life is is being in and being present every day in your life to have fun and to just open your eyes instead of being on your stupid phone. I think phones and the technology has almost ruined the actual connecting of people especially if they have dick pics being primary…
Diane: Whoa, whoa! Wait a second. True that! Speaking of dick pics and embarrassing situations, we want to ask you a burning question before we get into flirting and connection and the reality of our love loops which is something that—oh, guys, you’ve got to listen to this show.
Before we ask you the question… one of the biggest things that I think people will take away from this interview is that love loops are something that we have internally self-created.
We talked about the cock block with Dr. Hernando a few weeks ago and how we can literally cock block ourselves from diving deeper into sex, connecting with our partner and connecting with ourselves with our stories, right?
Dr. Cat: Mm-hmmm… and the patterns we find ourselves looping right back into regarding relationships.
Diane: Exactly! And so today we’re going to talk with Renee about love loops and dating and flirting specifically and how they can block us from attracting the person that we desire, which, being vulnerable with the ones that we love, and then keeping, once you get this special someone (or maybe it’s multiple people, who knows) around by prioritizing your growth and balance.
Like Dr. Cat said, it’s like the match. It’s about ourselves. It’s not about the other person. It’s about the love really. And it could be any other person.
So anyway, we want to ask you a burning question. And you could pick one of two to answer.
Renee: Oh, go ahead. I guess it would probably be the sex question.
Dr. Cat: Wait a second, no!
Diane: We’ve got to ask you the questions first because what if it’s their first time hearing the show?
Renee: Oh, my God! They will miss my sex question then. I had so many stories to tell. I was like, “Oh, my God! I got to tell that. Oh, my God!”
Dr. Cat: So, question number one, what is your most embarrassing sex moment?
And question number two, what was one crazy diet or nutrition thing that you tried for the sake of your sex health or body?
Renee: Oh, God! I think I want to go with the sex question first.
Dr. Cat: Of course! Just pick one.
Renee: The sex question, I think the most embarrassing moment for me, because I thought I was pretty experienced in the sex world, was actually having a G-spot orgasm with someone that was super experienced in it. I had such an overwhelming, exotic reaction that I thought I was peeing on him, and I got so embarrassed.
The guy kept saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” And I’m like, “But I’m peeing on you!”
So, I would say, out of all the embarrassing things, that was probably the one. But then on the other hand, it taught me about really releasing and letting go. You have to really be released and surrendered to somebody to allow that to happen.
So, it was embarrassing and also like a “Wow! This is possible.” You read about it, and you see it, and then people are afraid of it because you have to let go. I think it embarrasses people to really, really let go sexually.
I know since you two are sex girls over there or sex experts—especially you, Cat, and I know that Diane is a very sensual women—for women, it’s an embarrassing thing…
Dr. Cat: Absolutely!
Renee: …because we are allowing someone into us and crossing on parts of our body that literally can cause so much of a chemical reaction that it makes you addicted to that feeling of surrender.
Dr. Cat: And what I’m seeing is that when you say “exotic reaction,” you mean female ejaculation.
Renee: Well, yes, I do! And it is an ejaculation—you know, when you think about orgasm, you think about the rush that comes through your body, but not actually the physical excretion… which is wow! I was embarrassed.
I was because I wasn’t all the way safe. Even though I was really close to this person, I wasn’t totally in love. I could say I was growing in love with this person, but I wasn’t surrendered at a partnership at this point. We were really exploring. And so, I felt kind of vulnerable and embarrassed, but it was really actually a great thing because he opened up that door.
Dr. Cat: Yes, absolutely. And I think you bring up a really good point. Many women get embarrassed about it because it does require a sense of letting go where so many of us are used to being controlled and we have trouble being able to let go…
Diane: …or controlling.
Dr. Cat: …which leads me into that idea of the loops.
Renee, I read your book after the first interview that we’ve had together, and it was talking about the concept of “love loops” and how they can block us from attracting the person that we desire. Can you expand more on this idea of love loops for our listeners?
Renee: Well, as a consultant for very busy people, I think a lot of really highly successful people, very sexual people, sometimes, we’re busy. So we meet somebody, and then we feel this magic. And I found, at least with myself—and as you know, in my book, I reveal a lot of my own stuff that happened to me, so that people can see that I’m here to say, “Hey, I understand how you feel.”
So, with most of my clients, when I do an evaluation, I say to them, “Well, let me asked you about your past relationships. Let’s just name like the main people that come to your mind when you think about love.
A lot of people, when they go through loops, that means they’re creating the same person, male or female, over and over the same situation, the same circumstances. And I always say, “It was like dating the same man with a different appendage.” It was like dating the same guy over and over and over.
Dr. Cat: It’s like you’re trying to correct the experience in this next person, huh?
Diane: But the dick pics look different.
Renee: Of course! Yeah. And back then, I wasn’t getting those on my phone—and yeah, I still don’t, but you see them in person.
But anyway… when you are getting involved with people, male or female, a lot of men will say, “God! I was dating the same woman over and over” and some people even marry the same person over and over. And then, when you actually go back into the psychology of how they were wired about love, a lot of it comes from their imprints of how they saw love and what they believe they deserved.
So, what I did was I had my clients write out their list. I say, “When you do this, and you look at the names, can you actually go back to the feeling or experience that you had with Barbara… or Susan… or Bob… or Steve” or whatever. And I can’t say every time, but almost every time, they have a loop where they’re doing the same action over and over.
It’s like Groundhog day, you wake up and you’re in the same situation, but it’s six months later.
But mainly, I see that it’s rushing, that people rush in, and then they don’t see the signs that that person is going to run a certain level of intimacy, and then they have a loop. And then they get depressed. And they usually go out for a fix, and get another loop.
So, they’re not really opening their heart to see what blocks them from finding a true connection, instead, they have a temporary person to fill the void in that moment, and then that becomes another loop.
Dr. Cat: So, we’re all just loopy.
Renee: We’re loopy, baby.
Dr. Cat: We’re loopy.
Renee: But more importantly, it’s just a reflection. And that’s what get real about love is, to look at your heart. Before you jump, think to yourself, “Okay, I’m half naked on a coach with some person that I don’t even know,”—this goes for male or female or gay or straight, it doesn’t matter—and you’re like, “Do I really want to share this sacred part of myself and get caught in the energy of the sexual chemistry? Is it casual? What am I really looking for?”
And sometimes, when people loop, they’re healing. So, they keep healing again and again with a different person with the same situation.
Does that make sense?
Diane: Yeah! I remember when I did Heart to Happiness last year, and I interviewed you, before I did, you gave me your book, and I was reading through it. It was one of those books I couldn’t put down.
What we learn most about relationships and partnerships and things is that those are where we’re the most exposed. That’s where we’re the most vulnerable. And that’s where we learn the most about ourselves.
And so, when people are like, “Oh, I’m too busy for relationships. I work too much,” I’m just thinking, “Gosh, then how are you growing. If you’re not getting to see your love loops and you’re not healing yourself, then how are you growing?”
And there’s a quote that I had starred in your book. I remember this was the start to my healing my love loops.
“You can only expand your heart as far as it is healed. Unlock your past imprints and be free to the unlimited supply of love.”
And last Sunday, when I was at church, I heard Pastor Rick say that there are three things that we carry around. And the same way that you described it, Renee, is parts of what we’ll continue, the same patterns, to Groundhog day, and that is if you’re holding any sort of grief, grudge or guilt from your past about yourself or about a person.
So, I want to hear what you have to say about those three G’s, and then about that quote that I just read in your book and how people can start analyzing their love loop.
Renee: Well, most people, when I have sessions—and they’re very deep. We’ve had one before, you get very deep with, you feel sad and you’re going through grief because you were opening up to a connection, and then it happened too fast, and you guys didn’t really have a foundation or a discussion about what it meant to you or what it meant to the other person because you’re in that moment. And then, you get sad about it. And then, you end up having guilt that you did it. And then, you hold a grudge against yourself sometimes, and also, against the other person.
I know I work with these high-powered business men and women. I just did this TV show. And the guy that I was on with was like, “God! All of my men friends loved that fix,” that boom, boom, boom. They get involved with a really beautiful woman, they’re super busy, they had the sexual spark in the beginning. And then, a couple of days later, they feel kind of guilty because they knew they couldn’t go the distance. And then, the girl holds a grudge against them. And then, it starts over and over.
So, the grief, it depends on where you are in the love loop, if you’re at the end of it or if you’re at the beginning of it.
And then, sometimes, when you hold a grudge, sometimes, you go, “You know what? I’m going to go out and get laid. I’m going to just numb my pain.” And then, you do it again. And you can’t get out of it.
So, people need to get real. Slow down.
And I always say… when I was really healing myself (which is why I wrote my book), I had to be honest. And when I look back at my journals, I had every one of those, the 3 G’s, the grief, the grudges and the guilt. But I was doing it to myself.
Dr. Cat: That’s a really powerful insight—the grief, the grudges and the guilt.
Renee: So, when you look at your love loop, and you write them down, you go, “Oh, my God! I’m still holding energy toward…”—Mario was my big one. You girls read the Mario story, right?
Dr. Cat: Yes, girl.
Renee: He was dating me. We were having great physical, sexual chemistry. We were addicted to each other. Then he would do something crappy. And then, I would think, “No, I’m never going to see him again.” And then, I would be angry. But I knew—and I was writing, “Don’t go back. This isn’t good.” I would go against my own soul to get the feeling. And then, I would be guilty again that I did it to myself.
So, when people look at their love loops—and they really can go back to look at the pattern—they can see that they have one part of them that believes that they’re going to find love, and the other part that has had grief or guilt or even the grudge—
That grudge never gets healed. So you have to heal your grudges. You have to write the letters, and do the processes to open your heart fully. And when, you do that, you’ll notice that the next time you go to meet somebody, you’ll slow the process down, ask the right questions to see where they’re at, so you do not get them back. You do not attract yourself to yourself.
Dr. Cat: Yeah! And I think you speak so much for the collective, for men and women, who contract at the result of these grief, the grudges and the guilt. And they can’t really fully be open to what they’re calling in in a partner.
I just can’t think of how many times either myself or my friends or clients will say that they had that inner voice telling them, “Don’t go back. This is not good for me,” and they do it anyway.
Renee: Well, when you read the stories in my book, you’re thinking, “Don’t do it, Renee. Don’t do it.” And even I knew it when I wasn’t doing it.
So, I always tell my clients—and it’s even in the book—talk about sex first and what are your expectations from it.
There are some people that can just go for it and not have any attachment. I think that a lot of them are really numb. And there are whole communities of people that are very sex positive and I know you’re involved in all of these. And hey, it’s all good if everybody is honest.
But I think that sometimes, you have one part that wants a connection, and the other part that has the grudge and the hurt. So, until you heal some of that, you’re going to keep creating the same relationship again and again.
So, once I integrated the two parts of myself when I’ve had a couple shots of tequila and I was half making out with some man on my coach, I used to have to make that decision while I was a little bit intoxicated.
So, I would go up to the bathroom—I tell my clients, if you’re having doubt, go check in with yourself. You’re half naked, go into the bathroom, and look at yourself and say, “Listen, we’ve been drinking tequila or we’ve been smoking marijuana” or whatever you’ve been doing, “I’ve been humping on the dance floor for 20 minutes” before you got home, and now you’re all horny, you don’t know the guy, you’ve never been at his house, you don’t know his friends, you don’t even know if he has a job…
Renee: He’s telling you the whole deal, and you have to check in.
Diane: I just remembered when I first came to visit your house. Your dog, Buddy, humped me and peed on me, it sounds like this conversation. I am so worthy of being humped and peed on. Did you train him to do that?
Renee: It’s very interesting. My dog knows women that are sexual. He knows women. And I have another girlfriend that he’d literally—he’s a little maltipoo. And when my girlfriend, Trish, comes over, he literally jumps on her lap, and he puts his arms around her neck and spreads his legs and his whole body on her body. I have never seen him do that.
Now, he peed on you and humped on you, so you got like the royal treatment.
Diane: Oh, yeah. Maybe I needed it.
Renee: But that’s what they say. Some men are dogs. They’re like dogs. They just want to go for it.
Diane: Yeah, he just didn’t hold back.
Renee: No, he didn’t hold back.
But what I’m trying to tell you girls is—and then too, men will go out with little vixens. There are vixens out there that China pool married men in. And the married men will think, “Oh, I can have a little fling before I go back. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” or whatever. And then, they’re in the bathroom going, “Do I really want to cheat on my wife? Do I really want to bring infidelity into my realm?”
And I always say to these guys, “If you’re tempted, then stop yourself. If you feel guilty or you know it’s going to cause pain later on with your wife or your girlfriend or whatever you’re doing, stop and ask yourself, ‘Is this my little boy needing love in this moment?’ ‘Is this my little girl needing approval because John lied to me last week and I found out he was with someone else?’” Whatever it might be, it’s a love loop. It’s a love loop. You need to look at it, so you don’t create a different experience over and over.
And then, when you look at yourself and say, “I don’t know whether I want to get this close this soon…”—and yes, we can all be sensual and we can all be sexy and still have the connection without going all the way full blown in because some people get attached with intercourse, and other people don’t…
Diane: Renee, ever since we became friends and we helped each other out, when I was dating and you had mentioned, “Just slow down” because you helped me identified the love loops inside of myself when I was approaching these relationships, it’s helped me really slow down and evaluate and introspect.
I wanted to offer a few stories that I know a lot of people—and this is from your book. These are conversations that create barriers to love. And I’m bringing these ones up with asterisks because I hear these ones the most. And I know Dr. Cat can also add to this.
So, what I want to offer is when you’re listening to these, see if you can identify these within yourself. Do you find yourself saying these to yourself in your head? And then, we’ll talk about how to get to the bottom of your love loop and heal that. And then, we’ll talk about flirting to end the show.
Diane: Yeah. So, do you find yourself, lovers, ever saying to yourself in your mind or your friends any of the following:
“I’m too busy right now. Love is not a priority for me.”
“It is impossible for me to meet anyone that is my type. I am very picky.”
I’ve said that many times.
“Love often pulls me off balance and I tend to get distracted from my responsibilities… like I’m so important at work.”
“I can’t find a good match on my level.”
And here are a couple of other ones:
“I date men, train them, and then they marry the next girl.”
I have said that seven out of the last guys I dated. They married the next girl.
Dr. Cat: I bet you have.
Renee: Oh, my God! Me too.
Diane: And then here’s another one. Oh, it’s like that one movie, Lucky Larry or something like that; Good Luck, Chuck is what it’s called.
“When I go out, I always seem to attract jerks.”
I hear that one a lot.
“I do not want anyone controlling me. I like my independence. Don’t tell me what to do.”
Here are the last three I asterisked:
“Men are difficult to please. They only want young, hot, sexy women.”
“It’s hard to find a man or woman who wants commitment.”
Or, one I sadly hear very often:
“I do not believe in love.”
Dr. Cat: You’re kidding me. I think that maybe it’s because I surround myself with people who do believe in love. I haven’t heard that one.
Diane: Yeah, because you vibrate. You have a vibrational frequency maybe because of all the vibrators that you’re using or maybe it’s just because it’s coming from your heart.
Dr. Cat: Girl, you have no idea. Maybe both.
Diane: Well, just wait until our future shows, you guys. We’re going to be sharing some really amazing toys that we agree with that we want you to consider trying that are amazing for you. They will raise your vibrational frequency through your vagina.
But anyway, do any of those comments sound familiar to any of you?
And Renee… or did you want to say something, Dr. Cat? Renee, if any of these are any of our listeners, how do you recommend people get to the bottom of these?
Renee: Well, the thing is these beliefs came from loops. Usually, they came from experiences that you either experienced yourself or saw when you were young or heard from role models in your life (whether it’s your boss, your mom, your sisters).
In my case, it was infidelity weaved throughout generations of my family. And many of us are trained—it’s in our unconscious mind, these things that we were shown and taught.
And what happens sometimes, in NLP—and I know you know this—the brain stores memories in how they happen to you.
So, if you were young and got rejected like I did in my kindergarten when my little boyfriend picked the princess on Halloween over me, I thought I was an ugly little girl. I was in my little bam-bam leopard costume, and he was playing with me. The little pink princess showed up, and then he just got mesmerized by her sparkles…
Renee: …totally dissed me for the blonde. And I remember telling my mom, I said, “I’m not pretty enough. And Anthony left me for the princess.”
Renee: And it became a running theme where I was the one who mend it and picked, and they picked someone else. And that became something that was stuck in my little head and heart for many years. And that is why I created the love loop of men marrying girls after me.
And then, it happened again when I was 12. My girlfriend seduced my little boyfriend into a truck. I caught him with his hand up her shirt. And I thought, “Wow! Sex gets men to like you.” Not a good love loop or a proclamation to make at 12 years old, realizing that.
So then, each man that I met always ended up leaving me because I was an over-giver, and then I got into loops where they would say, “Thanks! You were a lot of fun,” and then they’d get committed to the next girl. And it happened a lot.
So, when I saw the pattern, I realized it was from my family. I was shown to kind of overlook warning signs, and just pretend that everything was okay.
So, all of us have some type of mantra that got installed in us somewhere in our lives about sex, about dating, about love when we were young. And then, those voices just get bigger and bigger. And the conversations that you have with yourself and the things you say to other people, that’s all that people know of you. “Oh, poor Diane, she keeps finding non-committal men,” and then you go, “Yeah, they’re all like that.” And that’s not true. It is not true.
Diane: “He’s so non-committal. And all he does is send dick pics, no flowers. No one sends me flowers, just dick pics.”
Renee: “You don’t send me dick pics anymore.”
Well, it’s about connection. I mean, dick pics are easy to send. You wonder on Tinder how many dick pics is this guy sending?
So, it’s about getting to know somebody’s soul. That’s why I say I help people evaluate. When you were introducing me, you were saying, “Wow! She helps people to design their life.” Well, what kind of life do you want? If you want to have sex all the time, good for you, be honest.
And I always tell players, if you’re a player, tell the girl upfront—or a man upfront.
Diane: I’m a player.
Renee: If that person drops their panties and send you dick pics, or whatever, pussy pics, then it’s your responsibility that you designed it that way. You opened the doorway with your sexuality, you lured that in. And if you keep getting the same thing over and over, then change your love loop.
Dr. Cat: Wow! What an empowering statement to say “we chose this design of our love life right now,” and we have the power to choose to create a different one.
Renee: Yeah. And I did that! I love men. And I love sensuality. I’m a very sensuous person. And I knew how to put the—flirting is one of my arts. And I still teach it. I love teaching it. But it was more about me knowing myself.
And sure, women do have to lure men in with flirting because men gets scared to death. Especially, some of the most beautiful women are the loneliest women.
Renee: Some of the most beautiful women, some of them are such snots, they think they’re so all that. But underneath it all, they’re lonely.
Dr. Cat: Wow!
Renee: I’ve worked with a lot of stars (who I’m not allowed to say). And some of them are the most loneliest because they don’t know if somebody wants them for their fame or for themselves. And really super beautiful models and actors that I meet, they’re very insecure. They have this outer shell. But on the inside, they’re very insecure.
Dr. Cat: I love that you say that because a lot of people idealize them and think, “Oh, they have the perfect life, and they’re so happy because they’re attractive” or “because they have money.” But they don’t realize the type of attention that they’re getting in their love, in their romantic life.
Renee: Women that are attractive, but maybe not be a supermodel, some of them that find love—beautiful women, they say, “This girl wasn’t even as attractive as me, and she met the most amazing man and got married. I don’t understand. She’s kind of heavy, and she’s not really that beautiful, and she doesn’t dress that well.” I said, “She has gained insight. She loves herself. She knows who she is. That inner comes out. And the man is attracted to that.”
He’s attracted to the way she makes him feel instead of being about “me, me, me… I need my attention.”
And people that are so narcissistic or so full of themselves, and I hate to say it, some of them are very shallow when it comes to really going deep, so they have love loops sometimes more often than others.
Dr. Cat: Wow! So, when we’re thinking about creating attention or flirting with other people, in 2017, I feel like a lot of us are confused how to approach each other or how to show interest and non-interest in a way that is accessible and acceptable.
So, what would you say would be some should’s and should not’s?
Diane: Yeah, can we talk about flirting please, please? Can we talk about flirting?
Renee: Well, first of all, people that go through love loops—when you get the grief, and then you have the guilt, and then you feel like crap—you don’t even want to do it, right? So then you get a hold-up. And then, sometimes, you go out every once in a while.
I still say what is missing in this whole dating world—and I just was at a big love conference with all the love coaches and matchmakers from around the world, and we were talking about it—the phones and the technology are literally causing more loneliness than actual connection.
So, that’s why it’s important for people to literally—I always say within four miles of your house (if you live somewhere that isn’t in the middle of nowhere), you have to start breaking your patterns and being in your own environment if you like where you live.
Now, I live in Marina del Ray. I walk everywhere. And I a big flirt of life anyway. I love people. But most people do not connect even eye-to-eye because everyone is on their phone even when they’re crossing the lights.
People in their cars, I used to flirt with people on my car when people weren’t looking at their freaking text over at the red light because I like to sing in my car, and sometimes, people look over me and they think I’m crazy.
But I’m very big on building community within wherever you live.
So, flirting is about being out, putting yourself out there, whether it’s at a convention or going to the gym… but breaking your patterns. So, flirting is looking at your life and saying, “Am I having fun when I’m out?”
Diane: Okay, Renee, I’ve got to stop you right there real quick.
So, the gym, I’m at the gym all the time. Do you know that I have not once been approached by any guy at the gym and been asked out in the last five years? So, there’s something about potentially me—and I’ve talked to other women about this too—that we’re not giving them a signal potentially to approach us to flirt.
So, when we are out and about, can you give us some tips on how to even flirt with them maybe to give them the green light to flirt with us or do we just go walk up to them and flirt?
Renee: Well, it’s more about sending the green light signals. Not every man that you’re going to be at the gym is—you know, some of them are married, some of them are older and they’re looking at you going, “Oh, my God! Look at how beautiful that girl is,” and they get all nervous.
So, when you go to the same place every day, you just say, “Good morning! How are you? I see you in here all the time.”
So, if you’re talking to people in general, when you’re being kind and open to strangers—because that’s what they are, they’re strangers—you start to become familiar if you go at the same time.
I go at the same time almost every day, and I know all these men and women. I’ll meet them and I’ll compliment them. So, compliments, we all…
Diane: Hold on! Just go back one step. Everyone is wearing their ear buds. So, what do you do? Walk up to them and just say, “Hey, pull your ear bud out. Hey! I notice you’re here all the time?”
Renee: No, it would be an acknowledgment—eye contact and a smile first.
Dr. Cat: Yes!
Diane: Yes, okay.
Renee: Wave to them across the room. And then, as you’re walking by, because you gave somebody a green light signal, they might pull out their freaking ear bud, and you could say, “I see you here every other day. It makes me curious… why are you here at 10 o’clock in the morning. What do you do for a living?” or whatever it might be.
There are all these women at the gym in their little prissies and they’re running around. I always say, “You look lonely to me.” So I’m always smiling.
This one girl looks to me, “You’re always so nice to everybody. Who are you?”
And I said, “I just feel like if I’m going to be here, I want to have fun.”
I compliment people. I’ll say, “Oh, my God! You lost so much weight. I don’t even know who you are, but you look great.”
And the woman will be like, “Oh, my God! What’s your name?”
I go, “Renee…”
And then, she’s like, “Oh, my God! What do you do?”
“I’m a love designer.”
“Oh, my God! My friend needs you. She’s going through a divorce.”
It’s all about being in the moment with people wherever you are.
In a yoga class, people don’t have their ear buds in their yoga class. They don’t have their ear buds in during a body sculpting class or a body kickboxing class. That’s when you see the same people over and over and over.
And that’s how I met my bestfriends, Theresa, Susan.
My girlfriend, Susan, this is an example. I was on the stairs in Sta. Monica. My dentist was there, and he saw this pretty girl. He came over to me, and he’s, “Renee, can you hook me up with that girl.”
So, I was going up and down. She was going up and down. And I said, “Excuse me, I’m not gay. But my dentist saw you, and he thinks you’re gorgeous, and I want to introduce you to him. Are you single?”
And she said, “Yes, I am.”
So, we went back up to the stairs. I did an introduction on the top of the stairs. She didn’t like him that much, but she liked me.
So, we ended up, I took her out. It was her birthday. I invited all these men to her birthday party, and we became friends. We’ve been friends now for 17 years.
So, that was all flirting with life example. I wasn’t trying to meet a girlfriend or a new friend, but it just happens.
If you look around at the loneliness that there is in the world, and see a stranger, just by saying, “Good morning! How are you?” or “Wow! Isn’t it a beautiful day” or, “Wow! Your phone cover is cool. Where did you get?” or “I love your hat. You look great today,” start with people, and then when you see people that you’re attracted to, you’re so used to talking to people.
A girl or a man that’s attractive is no different than anybody else.
Dr. Cat: What I’m hearing you say, Renee, just tying all these that you’re sharing with us about how to flirt, I’m hearing there’s an element of presence. So, being in the moment, being playful, being open, and this idea of allowing yourself to be that playful, flirty self and not have to worry about an end result. It’s not so much as zero to one hundred; it’s literally just being in that state of play.
Renee: You can meet people magically by getting yourself into a flirting zone before you leave the house.
Diane: Okay, I’m going to summarize everything that you just mentioned.
Renee: I love when you do that.
Diane: …because I think that what you just said—and in my words—is “here are the three steps.” I think these are three powerful takeaways that we can all take away with us. I’m going to write these on a post-it and put it on my forehead before I leave the house every morning.
Oh, wait! No, that’s not the first step. The first step is to assume the interaction. So, before you even leave the house, assume that there’s going to be some sort of interaction today where you are ready for it, you have your lipstick on, you have your nicer shorts on, you actually do your hair (whatever it is for whatever gender). Be presentable. Don’t leave the house looking like you just rolled out of bed. So, that’s step number one.
Renee: Well, some people look good when they roll out the bed.
Diane: Well, hey, yeah. But we want them to put a little effort in.
Renee: More power to you!
Diane: Yeah. You put the effort in, and you get the outcome. So, that’s step number one, assume the interaction.
And then, step two—and this is really funny because one of my very good friends, he and I did it for a while, but we made this funny joke up. We’re going to develop an app, a dating app. And it’s called Go Outside.
Diane: So, get outside. And I would just phrase, quickly sum that up as saying “play.” That just happens to be one of the three actions in our Eat. Play. Sex. Podcast.
Renee: I want to add one thing to go outside…
Diane: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me summarize these three, and then we can add to the “go outside.”
Step three is, when you are outside, be open, make eye contact, flirt. And for women, I would say, open the door for the men, for people to step into a conversation that could lead to something. And then, men, be observant and see the play, see the door open, and take it when you see that door open. Don’t run away from it. Play with that.
And also, before you even approach the woman, or if it’s vice versa, be okay with rejection. Be okay with being turned down. Do not attach yourself to the outcome of that conversation.
And so then if you get the Eat. Play. Sex. in whole order, if you’re out there playing, then the next thing you may get from the interaction is a date—maybe you’re eating some food—and then maybe, in the near future, you will have some amazing sex.
Diane: There it all comes together. So, those are the three, I would say, takeaways from the show. I know you wanted to add something to step two, Renee, go outside.
Renee: Well, it’s not assuming it. It’s creating the fun. It’s being in that energy of it. And some people, when they’re in their love loops, don’t have that anymore because they’re like, “Oh, God! I feel bad about this.” Change it up! You created a loop. But if you’re in a funk, you’re not going to go out and have fun. You’re not going to go out and have fun.
So, I say, “Create your fun!” Tell yourself, “When I go out today, I’m going to keep myself open to it.” So, that’s it.
The “go outside” is “go outside of your normal comfort zones a little bit.”
People drive the same way. I always say… ladies, men are out early in the morning getting on their way to work, getting coffee; and then, on their way home, getting dinner. You need to go outside your regular box and your regular routine to meet people in your local community that are out doing things right before work or after work.
So, I used to always go to the local coffee shop in the morning or early in the morning; and then go out to take-out places that are healthy to meet healthy guys at night. And I always walk into restaurants and I’m like, “There’s nobody in here except men. Where are all the women?”
So, go outside your box. Go outside. Instead of just go outside, go outside your box of your normal, every day thing.
Diane: I love it! I love it.
Dr. Cat: That’s so wonderful! Renee, you are just one of my favorite people. I said this to you the first time I met you. I believe you’re my spirit animal. Thank you.
Renee: Awww… that’s so cool! Thank you.
Dr. Cat: Thank you so much for coming on today. It’s been such a pleasure. Renee is the author of Get Real About Love: The Secrets to Opening Your Health and Finding True Love.
Renee: Your Heart… Your Heart…
Dr. Cat: Yeah, opening your heart.
Diane: Your heart is your health!
Renee: …and your health!
Dr. Cat: Yes! If you want to find out more, check out ReneePiane.com.
Diane: You know, I’m going to send this book to the dick pic guy.
Dr. Cat: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Renee: That’s a good idea. And you know, it’s in audio now. I read the whole book. And boy, was it something to tell the stories out loud. I have to say, everything that you think, everything that you speak, everything that you pray becomes your reality. So, watch the words you speak, and watch your thoughts before you go out. That’s part of creating your fun every day.
Think positive things. And if you’re in a loop, you should call me. I’ll get you out of it!
Dr. Cat: Alright! Don’t forget to leave us a review on iTunes. That’s EatPlaySex.com. And in the meantime, stay sexy, lovers because…
Dr. Cat & Di: …sex matters.
Closing: Thanks for tuning in, lovers. Don’t forget to subscribe to our channel. You can find out more about our guests and topics from our show by checking out CatMeyer.com or DianeKazer.com. Until next time! Don’t forget to nourish your sex life.